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“Shipwrecked!!” • September 19, 2005

Some people say the tackiest things!


The small cruise ship plied it’s trade making exclusive day long gambling trips for the high rollers out into international waters.  On the way back to port a fierce squall blew up and the ship was tossed wildly about until it struck the submerged rocks guarding the entry into the harbor.  The rocks left a huge gash in the hull and the ship began filling with water heartbreakingly close to the promontory at the port’s mouth.

The wind was blowing too hard and erratically for a helicopter rescue and the waves were too rough for a boat.  The only hope was for someone to swim across to shore with a rope.  Once the rope was a across a cable could be pulled after it and a rescue cage then used to ferry the passengers and crew to safety.  And the cage would be very necessary as the waters were well known for their ferocious sharks!

As the crew studies the situation, the ship’s purser said, “I’ve been skin diving all my life.  I’ve been around thousands of sharks in all seven seas.  Give me the rope and I’ll swim it across.”

So he kicks off his shoes, takes the end of the rope and dives into the water.  Unfortunately, the sharks had also been studying the situation and had doubtlessly used their flip phones to invite all their shark buddies for miles around to the soon to be served all-you-can-eat buffet!

The purser only made it 30 feet before he provided hors-d’oeuvre to the hungry sharks.

One of the passengers said, “Give me the rope!  I’m a world class swimmer and won two gold medals in the Olympic Games.  No shark can catch me!”

So he kicks his shoes off, sheds his shirt and pants, and dives into the water in his skivvies.

And — he was right — no shark could catch him!

But a thousand could!  He made it 50 feet before becoming the sharks’ second course.

Time was running out as the water poured in and everyone looked around for someone else to swim the rope across to shore.  No one was volunteering until finally THE Blond said, “Give me the rope!”

Now THE Blond wasn’t just a drop dead gorgeous blond.  She was the kind that guys could catch a single glimpse from a distance and have naughty dreams about for the rest of their lives!!  She was THAT kind of blond!

Before anyone can protest, she kicks off her heels, slithers out of her spangled dress, (which was all she was wearing,) and steps up to the rail.  She hands the flabbergasted captain her shoes and dress and says, “Bring those with you — they cost someone a fortune!”

She grabs the rope and jumps into the water.

THE Blond is no world class swimmer — about all she can manage is a slow paddle — even with her built-in high flotation devices.  And the sharks all come racing toward her!!!

AND — they all crowd together beneath her to form a living raft, lift her up on their backs, and swim furiously for the shore — carrying THE Blond and the all important rope to the waiting arms of the rescuers.

As the rescuers began hauling the passengers and crew safely ashore, the waiting on-the-spot TV news crew gave THE Blond a blanket, (a tiny one — after all, it was network sweeps week,) and the anchorman interviewed her about the dramatic rescue.

“That was absolutely amazing!  Tell our viewers how it was possible for you to survive the sharks.”

“Well — I figure it was just professional courtesy — after all, the tacky people are always saying that both me and the sharks are man killers!  And by the way — are you rich?”


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