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“The Missing Verse!!” • January 25, 2006

At last the Truth is revealed!


God was working on His computer compiling statistics in a huge spreadsheet when it suddenly dawned on Him that there were no blondes in Heaven!  He walked down the hall to St. Peter’s office and said, “Hey, Pete — how come We don’t have any blondes in Heaven?”

“Beats me, Boss.  Never thought about it much.  Maybe they’re all sinners?”

“Doesn’t seem likely that they’d all be heading South permanently.  Check into it and get back to Me.  I don’t want any more trouble from the EEOC discrimination folks.”

A couple of days later, God stops St. Peter and asks, “How’s the blond initiative program going?”

“Kinda slow, Boss.  We checked and Satan hasn’t got any of them either.”

“Then where are they?”

“I don’t know — but We’re working on it.  I’ll get back to You.”

A week later, St. Peter sticks his head into God’s office and says, “We finally found the blondes.”

“Oh yeah, where were they?”

“Remember the guy We kicked out for running the Halo and Harp Half Price scam?”

“Yeah — all too well!  It took centuries to get the FTC off Our case — and We’ve still got a couple of class actions lawsuits We’re trying to settle.  It’d be a lot easier if We had Our own in-house lawyers.  What’s that con artist up to now?”

“He set up a shoe store in Purgatory.  He’s been running an around the clock three for one sale — all the blondes have been down there fighting over the best bargains.”

“How can he afford a continuous three for one sale?”

“He’s got the prices jacked way up — remember the guy’s none too ethical.  And We’re finding out that blondes aren’t very bright.  They don’t realize how they’re being cheated.”

“Get his little operation shut down — and get him relocated to a Warmer Climate!  And get those blondes headed up Here.”

“Will do, Chief!”

A week later, God stops St. Peter in the break room, “Where are the blondes?”

“We’ve run into a little secondary mission problem, Sir.”

“What kind of problem?”

“Remember I warned You that they’re not too bright — they keep getting lost on the way up Here.”

“Lost? You mean they become Lost Souls?”

“No Sir, they get lost — physically lost.  They’re scattered over half the universe wandering about aimlessly.  We’re training a special group of wranglers to round them up and guide them up Here.  The first batch should be arriving any day now.”

“OK.  Keep Me posted.  I’d like to look them over when they finally arrive.”

Three weeks later, St. Peter intercoms God and says, “Sir, We finally managed to get some blondes up to Heaven.  It’s been a real challenge — worse than herding cats!”

“I’ll be right over.”

As God and St. Peter gazed at the first three gorgeous blondes, God said appreciatively, “Well — I must say these are certainly some of My most attractive creations!”

“Yeah — they look pretty nice — but I think they’re gonna be a massive problem.  Watch this.” He turned to the first blond and asked, “Miss, could you tell Us something about the Saints?”

“Well — there’s St. Peter, and St. Paul, and St. Mary — and they wrote this really cool song about a magic dragon named ‘Puff’ — and then St. Peter and St. Paul went into the chocolate business and started making these really great candy bars called Almond Joy and Mounds — and — ‘One’s Got Nuts and One Don’t’ — but I can’t remember which one — and then all the Saints started their own football team — and my boyfriend watched them play on Sundays instead of paying attention to me — and all the ‘Saints Go Marching In’ but I never could figure out where they’re marching to — maybe to St. Paul or St. Louis — and — ”

“Thank you, We’ve heard enough, Miss.”

God whispered to St. Peter, “Hmmm — I think I’m beginning to see what you mean.  Try the next one.”

“OK.  And you Miss, could you tell Us about Christmas?”

“Christmas is when Christians celebrate the birth of Christ.  Don’t you think it’s really an amazing coincidence how all three words — Christmas, Christians, and Christ — all start the same way? And at Christmas we all exchange presents and Santa Claus brings all sorts of gifts to those on his ‘nice’ list — and all my boyfriends bring me expensive little goodies because I’m first on their ‘naughty’ list — and I send all my friends fruitcakes — and they always send me back fruitcakes that are exactly like the ones I sent them — and we girls stand under the mistletoe and let the boys kiss us — except I usually wear mistletoe in my hair just to be on the safe side — and I love all the songs — ‘Chipmunks Roasting on a Open Fire’ is my most favorite — and — ”

“Thank you, young lady, that’s quite sufficient.  What are We gonna do with them, Boss? They’ve only been Here an hour and I’m already starting to talk to myself!”

“I don’t know.  Surely there must be a least a few that know something.  Try the third one.”

“How about you, Miss.  Can you tell Us about Easter?”

“Easter is a very holy Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.  Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by His disciple Judas and the Romans arrested Him.  They put Him on the cross and eventually He died.  Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a big boulder — ”

God nudged St. Peter, “Hmmm — this one seems to have her act together.”

“And then on the third day they roll the boulder aside and Jesus steps out.  And if He sees the Easter Bunny’s shadow then we have six more weeks of basketball!!”

St. Peter and God just stared for a long time, then finally St. Peter said, “I’ve already tried to cut a deal with Satan — but he doesn’t want them down there messing everything up either.  And Heaven isn’t gonna be very Heavenly if We bring them up Here.  So what do We do?”

********************

WELL — now all of you know about that missing verse in Genesis — the very important verse regarding what God did after resting up on the Seventh Day!  That is —

“And on the Eighth Day, God created shopping malls to keep the blondes busy and return sanity to the rest of His Kingdom!”

And that’s why we blondes Divinely love to shop!!!


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Last Updated: October 2006


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