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|“Meredith Adventure Number 4” • March 31, 2006|
Please don’t think I’m being ungrateful — I’m very glad that I’ve got the boobs I’ve got. BUT — they can be a problem at times — a big problem! (And I’m not trying to sound like the “poor little rich girl.” Just read the story and give me a break! And a little sympathy, too!!!)
As you may recall from my dress problems in Meredith Adventure Number 3 previously, my breasts and clothing seem to have a few compatibility problems. That wasn’t the first or last time that they have conspired to get me in trouble.
Back in college I was going to be in a “presentation ball” sort of thing. So — I needed a really nice looking “gown” to wear. Something very elegant, something very feminine, something very fancy, and yet something not too sexy. I searched and searched the shops and finally found one that met the criteria as for as looks, but I was still VERY DOUBTFUL about it! It was not only strapless, but backless, too!! How the dickens was I supposed to keep it up and how was I supposed to keep from “moving.”
Against my better judgement and with the aid of the saleslady, I got it on — and wonder of wonder — somehow it magically didn’t fall down! It snuggly, but not too tightly, hugged me just right, and seemed VERY secure. After the presentation, there was going to be a dance, so I wanted to make sure it didn’t take on a mind of it’s own, so I hopped around the dressing room trying to shake it loose. But it kept right on clinging to me! Absolute Magic — I tipped my hat to whoever designed the thing!
However, while it didn’t fall down, it did have other problems. No straps — so I can’t wear one of my regular iron maidens. No back — so I can’t even get by with a strapless bra. And having observed the effects in the dressing room mirror while I was hopping around, I was gonna need some support and restraint! A LOT of restraint!!
I was running out of options so I took the dress on a approval and drove it over to the foundation magicians at Claire’s Body Works. Claire and company have helped me out in the past. So — we start trying different things. The only thing that seemed to keep my “friends” sufficiently corralled and didn’t show was a “breastplate” sort of thing that only had a front.
OK — it doesn’t show, but how do I keep it on?
So Claire explained that it glued on with the included adhesive — like a huge overgrown pastie!
I’ll VERY doubtful about the whole thing, but she assured me that no amount of dancing or “moisture,” (sweat isn’t in Claire’s vocabulary,) would cause it to slip off.
OK — but if that’s true — then how the dickens do I get it off afterwards?????
Claire assured me that with a little cold cream worked in from the edges, that it would slip right off. She said she sold them to a lot of girls with dresses like mine and none had any problems.
SO — still filled with misgivings — I take the glue on bra thing and the dress home.
My roommate helps me get the glue applied — and the bra stuck on — and then the dress. I wiggle and bounce a little and everything seems pretty secure. So I go to the ball things — and have a good time — and dance afterwards — and everything stays nicely stuck together! No problems!! Woo-Hoo!!
When I get back home, I hang up the dress, dutifully get out the cold cream and begin working it under the edge.
EXCEPT — I can’t get it under the edge! It’s like the whole thing is epoxied to me. I pull at the edge, I try to slide the edge, I try to peel it, I try everything! And where I have virtually ripped it off my scarlet red skin underneath the thing, the cold cream still doesn’t loosen the adhesive. I’m starting to get just a “little panicky” when my roommate arrives.
While I know a smidgen of chemistry, she’s in pre-med and chemistry is her life! So — we start trying various “household solvents.” Cold water — hot water — cold cream — alcohol — hydrogen peroxide — vinegar — steaming in the shower — soap — dishwashing detergent — baby oil — petroleum jelly — hair spray — nail polish remover (that even has acetone in it and will loosen super glue!) — toothpaste — etc. And all the while my skin is getting more red and more tender and stinging like a whole hive of bees have worked me over!! I’m no longer a little panicky — I’m at the total desperation panic stage and Niagara has been flowing for the last thirty minutes!!!
And adding insult to injury, the whole thing has started to itch — REALLY REALLY ITCH!!
My roommate is not one to give up easily, but she throws in the towel and either has to shoot me to put me out of my misery or get help! So — on with a sweatshirt and off we go to the emergency room in the middle of the night.
Feeling like the biggest fool on planet Earth, I explain my problem to lots of professionally suppressed snickers. But — I get back into a treatment room, a cute young doctor comes in, grins and says, “Relax, it won’t be a problem — you’re the third or fourth bra victim I’ve seen this semester. I assume you’re not concerned with this thing being usable afterwards.”
“Just get it off!!!”
So — they saturate the thing in warmed up liquid surgical soap — then pack hot wet towels on top of that for about thirty minutes. Then the doctor comes back, looks things over, hands me a rolled up washcloth, and says bite of that.
“Bite on this? You’re kidding me, right?”
“Just bite on it. We don’t want you to disturb any other patients.”
So with my eyes popping out in terror — I bite — he grabs — he yanks — I scream — and IT’S OFF!!!!!!!!!! (And to be totally truthful — I screamed because it seemed like an appropriate moment for a scream — it really did hurt very much!!)
So — I get some antiseptic and a bottle of soothing lotion to rub into my tortured, redder than red, tender chest for the next week — get admonished to stay out of strapless backless dresses and not to weld anything else to my body — and get sent on my merry way home!
I fell asleep with dreams of hiring hit men to pay a visit on Claire and her pack of sadists! But in the morning I called her, she apologized profusely, refunded my money, and I chalked it up as a lesson well learned!
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Last Updated: October 2006
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