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“Bad Days, #1!” • January 31, 2006

How to tell when you should have stayed in bed!

You are rushing to make your flight when at the security point you hear, “Let’s body cavity check this one.”

You go to a fortune teller and after she checks the crystal ball, she hands you back your money.

Your husband moves your mother-in-law into the house because the geriatric center won’t take her six cats and four dogs.

You mistakenly enter the men’s restroom and find your phone number written on the wall — seven times.

You hear birds singing outside the window and they’re vultures.

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels onto the freeway.

You jump into a cab to race to the airport and realize that the driver speaks no Earthly languages.

You learn that not only is your husband secretly wearing your lingerie, he looks hotter in it that you do.

You step into the elevator then realize that the doors have malfunctioned and the elevator stopped on the floor above you.

Your jerk ex-husband that you never want to see again marries your twin sister.

You get an incredible deal on a house two weeks before your new neighbors open their hog farm.

Your on-line dating service suggests Godzilla as a your perfect match.

You see the magazine sweepstakes people pull into your driveway and they ask for directions to your ex-mother-in-law’s house.

You find that you and the cute guy at the bar have dated some of the same people.

You gain ten pounds on your wedding day morning.

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You walk by a bum on the street corner and he hands you a dollar.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

Your prospective mother-in-law sends you a bread and butter note after your dinner party that includes the Poison Control Center Hotline number.

Your front door is kicked open by a SWAT team as you step out of the shower.

You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency evacuation routes out of the city.

Your hot head roommate leans out the passenger window to scream at the outlaw biker gang stopped at the light next to you.

You’re driving down the street and see your boyfriend walking out of the VD clinic.

You go to buy stamps and see your picture on the wall.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your find out when you return from vacation that your house sitter made one phone call to the time and temperature number in Tokyo — for a month.

You run into the bank during your lunch break and then realize everyone has their hands over their heads.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

You fly back home for Christmas and find that your parents have moved and left no forwarding address.

You check your retirement account balance and it’s marked “Deceased.”

Your blind date offers to “arm rassle” you to see who picks up the check.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You miracle bra runs out of miracles.

Your soon to be husband insists that his mother be your maid of honor.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You return from a two week vacation and six people at work ask when the baby is due — and you’re not pregnant.

You realize in the middle of the dive that the pool has been drained.

You learn that all those “little voices in your head” want a divorce.

You spend a year working out daily at the gym and then they ask you to pose for the “before” publicity photos.

You run a red light and slam into a limousine carrying the keynote speakers for the National Trial Lawyers’ Association Convention.

You return from a meeting and find that your practical joker co-workers have sent threatening e-mails to the White House from your computer.

Your “movie star” blind date really IS a movie star — Lassie.

Your super bargain flight from Dallas to Chicago requires you to make three overseas connections — all in war zones.

Your brother Michael becomes Michele, your sister Patricia becomes Patrick, and your parents still call you the “odd one” of the family.

You wake up hugging the ground and praying you won’t fall off.

Your paycheck bounces.

You try to donate your body to science and they suggest that you call Acme Rendering Company instead.

You realize that they really ARE out to get you.

Your doctor wants payment in advance before giving you his diagnosis.

You walk outside and crime scene tapes surround your house.

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Last Updated: October 2006

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