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“Bad Days, #2!” • January 31, 2006

A few more indications!

You are greeted at the ATM with the smell of burning plastic and police sirens in the distance.

Your blind date picks you up in a stretch limousine — and he’s driving.

You reach for the pencil and find a tampon behind your ear.

You find out the hard way that the kid you teased unmercifully in grade school is now an IRS special agent.

Your boss offers you a 70% cut in pay and transfer to the Baghdad office to avoid downsizing.

You drive to the mall with six wrecker trucks hungrily trailing you.

You smile and wave for the network TV camera at the big game — with hot dog relish stuck between your teeth.

Your ex-husband wins the Lottery three days after the divorce is final.

Your fiancée wants to bring a date to the wedding.

You linger over coffee and dessert and then see the health authorities haul out the chef in hand cuffs.

You go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night and there aren’t any.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You find out that “Vito” has sworn vengeance against you for ratting him out and you’ve never heard of Vito — but you will.

You’re just stepping into the shower and see the gas meter reader run screaming by your window.

Your filthy rich aunt only leaves you her seventeen cats in the will.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your dinner party is the talk of the town after four mice move into the piano the day before and die.

You rush to the restroom, luckily find a vacant stall, and then notice the urinals on the way out.

You call 911 and it’s answered in Bangladesh.

Your new heartthrob’s “great government job” is in the witness protection program.

You find a diamond bracelet hidden in your husband’s sock drawer the week before your birthday and then he gives you a new vacuum cleaner hose on your “special day.”

Your car breaks down in Nowhere, USA, and your mechanic grabs the phone and yells, “Ma!  We finally won the lottery!”

Your husband makes the reservations for a romantic second honeymoon at the National Tractor Pulling Championship.

You realize that the cute guy on the bus that said, “See you soon,” is a mortician.

Halfway home along the steep winding narrow road to your scenic mountain residence after having your car serviced, your mechanic calls your cell phone to say he “might” have left a few parts out of your brake system.

You open the door and it’s a newspaper photographer waiting to get a picture for the obituary notice.

Your wedding day is finally at hand just as a terminal case of full face zits break out.

Your blind date to the big game insists on driving to the stadium and your blind date is blind.

You wake up and find that your feet have been replaced with wheels.

You spend the entire month of November listening to snide comments that Halloween is over and you should take off the mask.

You call your best friends in the morning to see if you had a good time at the party last night and three hang up and one calls the police.

You see on the morning news that two other people with your same name were murdered last night.

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.

You look in the mirror and see brown roots — and you’re a natural blond.

You learn the hard way that mother really was right about always wearing clean underwear.

You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.

You take off on a packed flight to Australia and the person next to you immediately offers to make you an aluminum foil hat so the Zarkonium Space Pirates won’t suck out your brain and replace it with shredded wheat.

Your prospective mother-in-law is due in three minutes when your toilet cascades like Old Faithful.

You wake up hung over from the party you hosted last night and find a chalk outline in the living room.

Your dentist takes one look in your mouth and immediately books a month long vacation to the South Pacific — first class!

Your blind date takes you to the nude mud wrestling contest on amateur night.

You are kidnapped and held for a ransom of $3.17 — and your family refuses to pay.

They send you a complimentary subscription to Modern Senility — and you’re only 26.

You look out your kitchen window and see four guys in white total contamination suits in your back yard.

Your gynecologist leaves her twin twelve year old sons to fill in for her while she’s on vacation.

You accidentally grab the bottle of super glue instead of shampoo.

Or worse, during a moment of passion, you accidentally grab the super glue instead of that special “water soluble jelly.”

You mail your tax return a few minutes before midnight to avoid penalties and interest and it’s back the next day marked postage due and without a stamp.

You wake up and six storks are trying to break open your window.

Your husband invites you to go duck hunting with him because the retriever is sick.

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Last Updated: October 2006

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