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“Jack and the Giant!” • October 18, 2006

The perils of stupidity!

Jack and his mom were REALLY poor — downright destitute!  (His mom hadn’t had a decent manicure in years — a real horror story!) And even worse, Jack was about as dumb as a bag of hair!

When things were really looking bleak, his mom sent Jack to town to sell their cow.  On the way, he runs into a smarty pants con man that convinces him to trade the cow for five magic beans.  (Like I said — he was dumber than a bag of hair!)

He rushes home, shows the beans to his mom, she’s enraged, she throws the beans out the window, and she sends Jack to his room after hiding all his video games for punishment!

Jack wakes up the next morning and sees that the magic beans have produced a gigantic beanstalk that reached all the way to the sky!  He rushes downstairs, grabs the book of fairy tales, and quickly reads the story of “Jack and the Beanstalk.”

“Woo-hoo!!  This is fantastic!!  We’re gonna be rich — rich — rich!  Let’s see — gold coins, a hen that lays golden eggs, and a golden singing harp — I’m gonna need a big bag to carry all that loot.”

So he takes both pillow cases from his bed and starts up the beanstalk.  He climbs through a cloud layer and finds the castle of a giant.  He sneaks in, locates all the goodies, stuffs them in his pillow cases, the giant does his “Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum!” bit right on cue, and Jack races down the beanstalk!!

At the bottom, he drops the loot, grabs an ax from the barn, and starts chopping at the beanstalk as the giant clambers down!  And then —

The SWAT Team arrives and the captain bellows out, “OK, BUDDY, DROP THE AX!!!  Put your hands over your head!  We got you for breaking and entering, three counts of felony theft, attempted murder, and aggravated stupidity!!  You’re going down, Son!”

As the police hustled Jack away , the giant reaches the ground clutching his trusty cell phone, (with 911 on speed dial!) Jack’s mom carefully appraises the situation.  They live in a “three strike” state so Jack is “permanently” out of the picture.  So — what’s she gonna do?

WELL — after a bit of thought, she cuts a very lucrative deal with the giant.  Since her new beanstalk extends all the way to the sky — and since the giant is so big and strong — she figures they can get into the satellite launch business really easily.  Just haul the satellites up the beanstalk, then the giant does a major league fast ball pitch — and voila!  instant orbit and a gazillion times cheaper than thundering rockets!!

They quickly negotiate contracts with all the space agencies and com sat folks and become billionaires overnight!!

And — since she is a conscientious mom, she has her chauffeur drive her to the prison to see Jack the third Wednesday of every month during the visiting hour!

And the moral of the story is — crime doesn’t pay!!  (And stupidity doesn’t pay too well either!)



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Last Updated: October 2006

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