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|“Red Riding Hood!” • October 18, 2006|
I've watched too many old movies with Roger!
Here we go again — once upon a time — there was a little girl that wore a red riding hood everywhere she went — which made absolutely no sense — I mean, the kid walked everywhere so why the dickens did she wear a “riding” hood. And why a hood? There’s nothing in the story about rain!! Besides, she was a blond — why cover up those gorgeous golden tresses?
But anyway — that’s what she wore. So one day her mother baked a whole basket of goodies for her to take to her grandmother who lived out in the middle of the forest.
After she has cruised into the woods a while she met a wolf. “Where are you going, Little Red Riding Hood?” (To save my manicure, she will henceforth be known as LRRH!)
“I’m taking this basket of goodies to my Granny.”
“Well good for you, LRRH! Better hurry along and not keep Granny waiting!”
The wolf is really hungry and decides that LLRH and Granny are going to provide the main course for his lunch!! (The question of course is why the dickens he didn’t just eat the kid while she’s alone in the woods instead of all the rest of rigmarole. By the way — in the original story — that is before the revisionists got a hold of it, LRRH and Granny were both goners!) But anyway, the wolf makes his plans and hurries along the shortcut to Granny’s house.
When LRRH arrives she finds Granny in the kitchen. “Granny! I brought you a whole basket of goodies!”
“That’s wonderful, LRRH. We’ll have them for dessert.”
“Uh — Granny — what big eyes you’ve got!”
“The better to see you with, LRRH! They’re kind of swollen from the onions I was cutting up.”
“And uh — Granny — what a big nose you’ve got!”
“The better to smell you with, LRRH! Another swollen casualty from the onions.”
“And uh — Granny — what a big gun you’ve got!”
“Isn’t it lovely, LRRH? A .44 magnum!! And you’re really going to enjoy the tasty wolf stew I’m cooking us for lunch!!”
And the moral of the story is — never mess with pistol packing wacko grannies!!!
PS — You probably figured this out already, but Granny’s given name was “Harriet” — and she didn’t bathe very often — which of course made her — (wait for it) — “Dirty Harriet!!”
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Last Updated: October 2006
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